The Delusion of SELF-control

The LORD is speaking to my heart today about "self-control". If I'm honest, this is an area that I have struggled with for most of my life, primarily when it comes to overwhelming emotions. 

I'm a Gen‑Xer. And with the rise of social media, freely accessible information, and the ability to openly share our experiences, a lot of people from my generation are starting to be late‑diagnosed with some form of neurodivergence. Or, like me, have yet to pursue a diagnosis but are contemplating the possibility. My husband and diagnosed daughter have “teased” me for years about having “a touch of the ’tism.” But recently, all of us have started to feel like it might not be a joke at all, but a very real possibility.

This increase in awareness has led to a wave of newly diagnosed individuals, which in turn has sparked a lot of discussion about neurodivergence — especially how difficult it can be to distinguish genuine neurodivergent traits from the effects of trauma or other mental health disorders.

I recently had a video come across my feed that spoke on the topic of rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), and it sounded all too familiar. My reaction to legitimate emotional hurt has all too often quickly escalated into the extreme. But once the clouds clear, the volume dies down, and calm returns, I'm quickly met with shame. And just to add insult to injury, what began as justifiable, and validated hurt, ends with me being just as guilty of my own wrongs. This has been a never-ending cycle in my life for as long as I can remember.

As you can imagine, my relationships have struggled. As a child I was often told I was too sensitive. And now, 22 years into my second marriage, and 5 months after losing my son, life and both of our issues have become all too much for both of us. 

I'm not sure whether my marriage will survive or not. But regardless, I have to take accountability for the wounds I have caused. I'm desperate for change. 

And where I am at today, is wrestling with what is within my control and what isn't, especially where mental health issues and neurodivergence are part of the equation. What do realistic expectations look like for someone with my faith and my specific issues.

Since I spend so much of my day studying Scripture and reflecting on the original context and culture of the text, and how it now applies to me in my culture, verses like Proverbs 25:28 are worth exploring, biblically. 

"A city breached, without a wall, is a man who is without restraint to his spirit." (BLB)

I've often shared my favorite Bible Study meme and I'm going to share it again because it perfectly illustrates what it's like to really be in the Word. 

It truly is so interconnected. And the more you're reading Scripture the more connections you tend to make. 

One more graphic and I'll move on to where I'm at in my study today.



 

Now for today's connection. The above verse from Proverbs is one the Lord had me memorize in the past, because like I said, I've struggled with emotional overwhelm for most of life. 

"A city breached, without a wall, is a man who is without restraint to his spirit." (BLB) 

The study tool I use says whenever we read this verse we should:

"Hear the two clauses as one architectural picture: a man ungoverned in his ruach is not heading toward ruin — he is already the breached city, standing open. Notice how the proverb stops being about willpower and becomes about whether your inner boundary-wall is standing or already gapped."

That picture immediately reminded of a section of Scripture I was reading just yesterday when studying the word kashal (stumble). 

“The strength of the laborer fails (kashal), and there is so much rubble that we will never be able to rebuild the wall.” Nehemiah 4:10 (BSB)

Can I just take a minute to sit here with the resonance I feel in that verse? 

There are days when my inner world feels exactly like that — too much rubble, too much exhaustion, too many breaches to repair. Hopeless that things will ever be better.

And whenever I go back to Nehemiah and read the entire chapter, I see so many parallels. 

“What are these feeble Jews doing? Can they restore the wall by themselves? Will they offer sacrifices? Will they complete it in a day? Can they bring these burnt stones back to life from the mounds of rubble?”

Then Tobiah the Ammonite, who was beside him, said, “If even a fox were to climb up on what they are building, it would break down their wall of stones!” (4:2-3)

This is what it feels like whenever my faith and study is ridiculed and scoffed at. Because my faith is what I depend on most for everything. God's character, His Spirit, and His Wisdom found in the Word, is all that keeps me going. It's what softens my anger and convicts me to forgive, one more time, again. It's what reminds me that I too need continual forgiveness for the same mistakes made over and over again. It pushes me to keep trying even if I know tomorrow won't look much different than today. And what I know they see and experience, is that the "foxes" do break down my wall, repeatedly. And sometimes, even I begin to doubt, or in one of my emotional tailspins, I throw prayer journals away, and box up all my study stuff and even skip a day or two of study while I wrestle with feelings of shame, discouragement and failure.   

Which is where verse 10 currently finds me -finds us. Exhausted and feeling like there's too much broken to fix. 

 Then we read, 

"And our enemies said, “Before they know or see a thing, we will come into their midst, kill them, and put an end to the work.”

At that time the Jews who lived nearby came and told us ten times over, “Wherever you turn, they will attack us.” (4:11-12)

Verse eleven describes how easily blindsided I usually am by the whirlwind of emotions that rush in and knock off my feet. And verse twelve is what the negative and critical voices in my head sound like on loop, over and over and over again. 

But then reading further, Nehemiah begins to tell us what to do next:

So, I stationed men behind the lowest sections of the wall, at the vulnerable areas. I stationed them by families with their swords, spears, and bows.

After I had made an inspection, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials, and the rest of the people, “Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.”

When our enemies heard that we were aware of their scheme and that God had frustrated it, each of us returned to his own work on the wall. And from that day on, half of my servants did the work while the other half held spears, shields, bows, and armor. (4:13-16)

 Wow there is a lot being revealed here, and I just pray I am able to communicate it well. 

The first thing I want to point out is the first time the Hebrew word for wall (chomah) is used, is in Exodus 14 where God drove back the waters forming walls of water and revealing dry land, allowing the Israelites to cross the Red Sea. 

This instantly makes me think of Psalm 127  -unless God builds it, the laborers work in vain. 

Second, the word being translated as vulnerable areas (tsechichim) is only ever used in this verse. And what it actually means is the bare/exposed/glaring places— the sense of dazzling glare, bare exposure, dryness under blazing light/sun. Total exposure. Nothing providing shade or shelter from the elements. They're so exposed they "shine". These are not hidden weak spots. They're glaringly obvious. And this is where Nehemiah stations his men and their families. This is where we get the idea of "standing in the gap" when we speak of intercessory prayer. And it reminds me of what was revealed during my study time yesterday about the theological weight found in the word kashal (stumble/fail). 

"The theological weight falls on what follows the stumble: those whose hope is in the LORD are lifted, while those who persist in covenant-breaking find the stumble becomes a ruin. The prophets use kashal to call Israel to see her military defeats, social collapse, and spiritual weakness not as random misfortune but as the readable consequence of covenant departure. This gives the word a diagnostic and ultimately restorative function: if you can name the stumble, you can find the path back."

This is what makes confession, repentance, and accountability so vital to our healing. This is seen by half of the people doing the work, while the other half are armed for battle. 

And as Nehemiah closes this section, he gives one final instruction:

"Wherever you hear the sound of the horn, rally to us there. Our God will fight for us."

I don’t have the mental clarity right now to unpack everything in that verse, but I know this much — healing isn’t solitary work. We rally. We return. We rebuild. And in all of it, God fights for us.”

Nehemiah shows us what to do when we've found ourselves in a Proverbs 25:28 situation. Nehemiah 4 is Proverbs 25:28 played in reverse — the rebuilding of the breached wall against active opposition and spiritual turmoil. 

Heavenly Father, I'm standing at the wall, and I don't seem to have enough people in my life, that share my faith in You. And the ones I do have, have been great in short bursts, but we as humans tend to grow complacent whenever progress isn't obvious and instant. You know that. I'm tired of carrying the weight of even that, alone. Please show me where the next person is—and until I find them, help me guard this place.