The Storehouse of God
In this grief journey the LORD has been speaking to me a great deal of His daily provision. The most memorable lesson at the moment has been the connection of the word "broken" from Psalm 34:18 "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted" to the Genesis narrative surrounding the seven years of plenty with the seven years of famine.
I wrote a few days ago:
*broken in Hebrew is the word שָׁבַר shabar — "to break, shatter, burst" but this same word is used in the Genesis narrative surrounding the 7 years of plenty followed by the 7 years of famine. It's used whenever Jacob sends his sons to buy grain. This points us to the theological doctrine preached by Jesus in John 12:24 that breaking is a part of the multiplying, being fruitful, process. AND that brokenness draws us near to God because it brings us back to Him for His sustenance. With each first breath of the day, I acknowledge my dependence on Him to get through all of what threatens to deplete me. And my closing prayer these days is a pretty good indicator that it was enough just for today.
Today my sustenance was found while meditating and studying around "the goodness of God in the land of the living". I told my therapist and I have told Jared, that I am desperate to see something good come out of the wreckage that remains after the death of my son. And then I quoted this verse from Psalm 27:13. So often, I think we get in the habit of only claiming our future hope, and not remembering Scripture teaches time and time again that there is goodness to be had here and now as well. Through my study I discovered the phrase "land of the living" is a Hebrew idiom and it doesn't simply mean here and now but is closely tied to praise (halal and yadah). Hebraically, it is the territory where breath, labor, walking and worship of God continues. I love that yadah is defined as acknowledgment wrung out of hardship —provision in the face of lack. Exactly what the seven years of famine were.
There has been a lot of provision given in the face of this lack. Would I rather have my son? Of course. A million times over. Unfortunately, the 9,703 days I had with my son were my 7 years of plenty. And now I'm being forced to live in a time of famine. And it's here that I must choose to open my eyes to all the ways God has shown up in this devastation. Starting with the word "seconds" written on his death certificate alongside his cause of death as massive, blunt force trauma. The interval between the onset and death —seconds. But as soon as I wrote that, I changed my mind, that's not where I would start. I would start with the Jesus. Always. Because in in those seconds, Patrick went from being here and then he was there, in the presence of Jesus.
As I continue to read and study, I followed my signposts written in the margins of my Bible and ended up in Psalm 31:19
"Stored up" like the grain stored up in Genesis for times of famine. When I put this into the Berean Word Study Tool it tells me it means treasuring away for a purpose. The נ at the end is decisive: what is stored is seed-like, alive, destined to emerge. Which might make you think of our future hope of resurrection in Jesus. Which is always our greatest gift. But the psalmist doesn't stop there. He goes on to write "in the sight of the children of mankind!"
The word "stored up" is tsaphan and is first used in Exodus when Moses' mother hides him in the reeds. It's the word David uses in his beloved Psalm 119 "I have hidden your word in my heart." Which in this context immediately makes me think of Isaiah 55 where God says, "so My word that proceeds from My mouth will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish what I please, and it will prosper where I send it." His word like rain is doing something, it waters the ground and a seed that is planted emerges in due time, in due season. I also found myself in Psalm 69 where today I highlighted vs 3 and 13 and connected the two with an arrow.
"My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." connected to "But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness."
At an acceptable time.... remembering this started with Psalm 27:13, scroll back up and read the following verse, verse 14.
"Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
So, I must ask myself, do I trust His timing? Some seeds germinate quickly and some take more time.
I'm also seeing a wordplay going on between this abundance "stored up" or "hidden" yet it's done so in plain sight. It's not hidden so that it's unavailable. It's set aside in abundance but made known so that all can come to receive it. Just like the story in Genesis. There's plenty, it isn't hidden in scarcity. It's set aside for the right time. Another verse from Isaiah 55 says "Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you without money, come, buy, and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost!"
The word for "buy" in that verse is the same for the buying of grain in Genesis 41.
Also, in the margins of my Bible here at Psalm 31 are notes I've taken before connecting the Hebrew word tsaphan to the New Testament Greek word kruptó, used in Matthew 5:14 when Jesus says "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden." Which brings me back full circle to praise being an intricate part of being "in the land of the living". Earlier, I mentioned two Hebrew words often translated as praise. We've been looking at "lack" aspect seen in the word "yadah". But now we've entered "halal" territory.
The most concrete meaning underneath halal is to shine / to flash forth light — literally what a bright object does. From that: to make a thing shine by pointing all eyes at it; to be so radiant it draws exclamation. This is why the same root produces both praise and shining.
And so, I find myself here — somewhere between famine and provision, between what has been shattered and what God has stored up, between the hidden things and the things He works in plain sight. I don’t pretend to understand His timing. I don’t pretend to see the whole story. But I do know this: in the land of the living, goodness is both something we wait for and something we witness and receive. It is yadah wrung out of lack and halal shining in the open. It is what God has tsaphan — treasured away for a purpose — and what He brings forth at the acceptable time. And even in this grief, even in this long stretch of famine, I am learning to look for the goodness He has stored up, the goodness He is still revealing, the goodness that keeps me breathing one more day. Because Patrick is with Jesus, and Jesus is with me, and somehow that is enough to keep walking in the land of the living.
I published this earlier today around 3pm. It's now 6:30 and I came back to re-read it and ruminate on today's lesson. And as I read about the first use of tsaphan being when Moses' mother placed him in the reeds, it struck me how that is similar to my current reality.
Just as Jochebed had to trust Moses' care and safety to God when she placed him in the reeds. I too must trust. Patrick is hidden. And as I thought about that, the phrase "hidden in Christ" came to mind and I had to look up the Scripture reference. It's Colossians 3:3 "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." And while contextually Paul is speaking of dying to self, rising with Christ and living a life oriented toward the things above, the imagery he chooses— “hidden with Christ in God”—is not merely metaphorical. It’s ontological. It’s describing the location of the believer’s life.
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